I keep waiting for someone to love me,
But you see,
No matter how cringy and unoriginal that it is;
How can i let someone love me
When i don’t love myself?
Recently i’ve found that people bore me.
And not in the sense that they’re boring,
But in the sense that they’re naive.
They’re naive to the world
And to the people curled and intertwined around them.
They’re naive and simple,
And i know that can’t be true,
But it’s all i’m hearing;
It’s all that i’m seeing.
And i wonder,
How they sleep soundly
Without the burden of the world on their shoulders,
Keeping them up into the early hours of the night
When even the birds have gone to sleep.
I constantly push people away when they get near.
Maybe i don’t want them to hear the sounds of my silent tears
Hitting the floor at 3am in the morning,
Or the hear thoughts that go through my head 24/7,
Or the see scars starting to form
That i’ve tried so hard to hide and i’m getting better,
But soon they’ll reappear i know that they will;
Maybe i don’t want them to have to deal with me.
I feel like everyone’s dumb and unaware
But that can’t be,
It can’t just be me that feels this way.
But nobody says what they mean anymore,
We hide our feelings behind screens and text messages
So when our emotions are led out for us on the floor
We get confused and stumble,
I try to rewrite how i feel,
But that’s not real.
When people ask me if i’m okay,
I say yes and carry on with the lie.
Because to look weak or vulnerable,
Would be admitting defeat at this game we call life.
Even when i was younger,
A stubborn child,
My mum asked if i was okay;
After my knees were so clearly buckled and bruised,
And i was aching all over from climbing,
But mostly falling out of trees,
And i would say yes,
Because dealing with the problem on my own
And struggling to reach to first aid kid,
Would be easier than admitting defeat.
So when i look outside
And i see children playing in the park,
Or the sun shining through the trees,
Or when i crack a terrible joke and see faces light up,
Even if it’s just for a second,
I try to think to myself,
This is what you live for.