conflicting hearts of mine.

You touched and loved me

And i peeled your fingers off of me,

I feel your touch,

I feel your love,

And yet i want nothing but.

Then i sit alone at night and

I crave you,

Or anyone,

To love

But still i push and shove you away.

I do not care for your name nor your body,

I want only your love;

I want your hands on mine,

I want your heart on mine.

But not for too long,

Because your heart it heavy;

And it will crush and suffocate my lungs,

Forgetting how to breathe

I reach to the surface and spit you out yet again.

But next time,

I want to know how long i can hold my breath.

Beige.

I see love in fingertips touching,

Making sure to remember every inch of your body.

I see it in eyes meeting after what seems like hours of laughter

While snow falls outside and the fire roars,

I see it in creating priorities,

Lifting above everything you thought imaginable.

 

But ultimately,

Fingertips that were once discovering new land

Have seen all there is to see,

They long to explore fresh grass

Rather than to sit in this bland desert filled with cold hearts.

Jokes that once ended in hours of laughter

Now fail to even crack a smile

And eyes stay glued to the floor.

And if they do meet they echo the roaring fire;

Rather than the snow as before.

And priorities have become a less frequent occurrence,

As you have become bland and ordinary.

 

Hold onto hands,

Lock your eyes,

Treasure time spent together.

 

Love is temporary;

And memories will last forever

But when your heart is fading into a pale beige

And your attempts to hold on are failing;

Know when to let go.

 

But don’t get pushed away;

Walk away with purpose,

With pride and love for what once was,

And no regrets of the past.

 

Keep eyes up

Mouth spread wide

And look onwards to see what the future hides.

 

I hope it’s a purple or a bright green;

Any shade far enough from this dullness and bland

So I can hide behind this smokescreen for a little while longer

Before i end up on this same shore of sand and sea painted beige.

sickly sweet.

Body

Mind

Intertwined

We left our hearts at the door

Leaving only the beat to enter

Not wanting anymore than what’s led out for us in the sheets

 

Fingers

Touching

Pulsing

As we grasp onto this night of heat

While the sickly sweet taste of naivety tarrs our lungs

Coating the vile taste of reality

 

Hearts held apart at arms length

But mouths are discovering new lands

And they’re liking the taste of the freshly cut grass.

 

 

shipwreck.

Time to sink into the black abyss of my mind,

I’m being dragged down by the weight of the anchor strapped to my feet,

What once started as the needle has become the hay stack,

Towering over everything i do,

Focussing on what i lack,

Pulling me down until i can’t remember what came before;

Itching me to i claw the inside of my brain.

 

I float on the surface of the ice cold cool blue,

My ears are muffled,

As if the water has become the captain to my ship,

Controlling what i can hear

And if i sink deeper; what i can feel.

But i relax because i know that i won’t float or sink forever,

I might end up on the shore disguised as the tide

And walk along the sand to find a jungle by my side so lively that even the birds cower.

One that is so alive that it towers over me and i try to do the same,

One that muffles my mind with a single breath.

A sea that was once blue is now just replaced by one of green.

But i will relax because i know i won’t be walking in this foreseen jungle until the end of time;

I worry that if the water that resides inside my ears,

That muffles the world so well,

Will refuse to set sail when the gales arrive

 

Or when i land in that dock i’ve been dreaming of since i’ve floated in both blue and green,

The same dock that i know i will feel safe in it’s embrace,

Holding me close,

Loving and looking after my helm for the duration of my stay.

Now i will start to worry;

I will worry because for the first time since i set sail i won’t be invariably looking out of my crow’s nest,

I will worry because i will be blind to the storms that so clearly brew above me,

But most of all i will worry because i will be happy with my stay in this dreamy dock of mine.

 

The point is,

Everything is temporary and it’s fucking drowning me.

you don’t, nor will you ever, own me.

I am not a giselle you can chase until I tire,

When knees weak and breath deepened,

I am not the umbrella that shields you from the storm,

I am not a piece of meat for you to play with,

With sharp claws and pointed teeth

To devour when the novelty wears off,

I am not something you can own.

I am not yours.

So when you say you’ll have to “wear me down”,

As if sandpaper to wood,

Scratching away at anything rough,

Molding me into your perfect piece;

Please forgive me if I just see what I was so afraid of,

Even after you tried so hard to convince me otherwise;

I now see the shard that’s stuck at the back of your eye,

Refracting the selfishness that sits inside.

 

Those same eyes that looked and caressed my body,

Are connected to the same brain who thought you could own me.

You thought wrong.

upside down.

Her hair flowed like water in the wind,

Her eyes gazed as if she’d never seen before,

Their laughter rose above the rows of corn;

Staining the air with memories.

 

He looked at her as if she held the whole world in her hands,

While she looked at him as if he stopped the world from crumbling.

Together they travelled

Through endless planets and stars.

 

But she knew more than he

That the world that rested her palms

Couldn’t stay there forever.

 

She knew she couldn’t hold onto her planet for any longer;

Her arms were starting to ache,

And her head hurting.

 

She knew when she was alone;

Her thoughts swam with sharks

And more often than not ended in wounds.

 

She looked up at the sky,

It looked funny upside down;

She laughed.

But he was too busy caressing her body to notice.