Memories are strange things; one ticket for the private screening of my life. That is, what i can remember of it. The funny thing is i will remember the best and the worst but the mundane things, the things that make up the bits in between, i won’t. I won’t remember having spaghetti on the 23rd of august, or the face of that boy i once kissed; their lips along with their name become a blur, just as that night has. It’s strange how a faded memory in my eyes is the most remembered night from another’s. It’s strange how i can think back to some nights, almost as if i am there once more. It’s strange how now, today, may not even become a memory to be forgotten; too mundane to maintain in the jumble of memories that remain inside this head of mine. It is strange.
“Do people take advantage of you?”
I imagine you thinking of that night of us when those words spill from your lips, i imagine it because i know you regret what we did and, so do i. I imagine it because it means that you worry that others do the same as you once did. I imagine it because it acts an apology, not that one is needed but i like to imagine you still care about me. It’s just nice to know that you’re not a complete ass. In hindsight you did take advantage of me; i know that now. And i know that i thought i was head over heals for you, and if we just fucked on your bedroom floor maybe i’d become a permanent resident; maybe even upgrade to the bed. But i also know how bad you feel for taking the one thing i wanted to keep before passing it over as if some token into my life. i can’t help but wonder how differently things could’ve played out. but know, i don’t want you, i used to and i think that still taints my lips.
I see love in fingertips touching,
Making sure to remember every inch of your body.
I see it in eyes meeting after what seems like hours of laughter
While snow falls outside and the fire roars,
I see it in creating priorities,
Lifting above everything you thought imaginable.
Fingertips that were once discovering new land
Have seen all there is to see,
They long to explore fresh grass
Rather than to sit in this bland desert filled with cold hearts.
Jokes that once ended in hours of laughter
Now fail to even crack a smile
And eyes stay glued to the floor.
And if they do meet they echo the roaring fire;
Rather than the snow as before.
And priorities have become a less frequent occurrence,
As you have become bland and ordinary.
Hold onto hands,
Lock your eyes,
Treasure time spent together.
Love is temporary;
And memories will last forever
But when your heart is fading into a pale beige
And your attempts to hold on are failing;
Know when to let go.
But don’t get pushed away;
Walk away with purpose,
With pride and love for what once was,
And no regrets of the past.
Keep eyes up
Mouth spread wide
And look onwards to see what the future hides.
I hope it’s a purple or a bright green;
Any shade far enough from this dullness and bland
So I can hide behind this smokescreen for a little while longer
Before i end up on this same shore of sand and sea painted beige.
I want to tell you to live for the sky when it’s painted salmon and lilac.
I want to tell you to live for the smell of toast and freshly ground coffee in the morning.
I want to tell you to live for waking up with the sun in your eyes and forgetting where you are.
And i want to believe it,
I really want to,
But i can’t convince you when i’m trying to myself.
I question why we need a reason at all;
Why can’t we just live to be?
But even i don’t believe that
And i don’t think you do either,
As much as i’d love to,
As much as i’d love to be content as who i am,
And who this world is,
As humans we should want to survive,
Right? Isn’t that how it works?
So why is it that me and you, and so many others want so badly the opposite?
Okay, maybe not so much the opposite but a reason;
A reasonable reason,
And if the only viable suggestion that we can think of is living for another;
I don’t want my only justification of being alive to be dependent on love and being loved.
Because everything is god damn temporary,
And no one’s going to be there forever.
So what happens when they leave?
Under the cold water i lather my hands with soap;
I want to wash you away,
Away from my hands and my face and my body
But memories of that night are tattooed on my mind,
Like your hands are underneath my skin.
I want to forget that night;
Forget how i hardly opened my eyes,
Or how my body was paralysed with alcohol,
Or how i was your puppet and you the puppeteer.
But everything i do reminds me of that night with you.
I am not a giselle you can chase until I tire,
When knees weak and breath deepened,
I am not the umbrella that shields you from the storm,
I am not a piece of meat for you to play with,
With sharp claws and pointed teeth
To devour when the novelty wears off,
I am not something you can own.
I am not yours.
So when you say you’ll have to “wear me down”,
As if sandpaper to wood,
Scratching away at anything rough,
Molding me into your perfect piece;
Please forgive me if I just see what I was so afraid of,
Even after you tried so hard to convince me otherwise;
I now see the shard that’s stuck at the back of your eye,
Refracting the selfishness that sits inside.
Those same eyes that looked and caressed my body,
Are connected to the same brain who thought you could own me.
You thought wrong.
Her hair flowed like water in the wind,
Her eyes gazed as if she’d never seen before,
Their laughter rose above the rows of corn;
Staining the air with memories.
He looked at her as if she held the whole world in her hands,
While she looked at him as if he stopped the world from crumbling.
Together they travelled
Through endless planets and stars.
But she knew more than he
That the world that rested her palms
Couldn’t stay there forever.
She knew she couldn’t hold onto her planet for any longer;
Her arms were starting to ache,
And her head hurting.
She knew when she was alone;
Her thoughts swam with sharks
And more often than not ended in wounds.
She looked up at the sky,
It looked funny upside down;
But he was too busy caressing her body to notice.