conflicting hearts of mine.

You touched and loved me

And i peeled your fingers off of me,

I feel your touch,

I feel your love,

And yet i want nothing but.

Then i sit alone at night and

I crave you,

Or anyone,

To love

But still i push and shove you away.

I do not care for your name nor your body,

I want only your love;

I want your hands on mine,

I want your heart on mine.

But not for too long,

Because your heart it heavy;

And it will crush and suffocate my lungs,

Forgetting how to breathe

I reach to the surface and spit you out yet again.

But next time,

I want to know how long i can hold my breath.

lust.

Lust is a women dressed in red

Lust is a bed with no more than sheets

Lust is the notion that love is not real

Or it is

But it does not last

And we’ve both had our fair share of shattered glass

While picking up the pieces we confuse glass with chocolate

And we’re soon surrounded by pools of crimson

We start to bandage over old wounds

And we see people walking around with not even a single bruise

We wonder how it is possible

Then we realise; feelings are left on the shore while bodies ride the waves

 

Lust is not love,

But it does not end in the carving of caves in our hearts

As love so often used to.

dreaming.

My eyes are blinded by the future

But i’m always two steps behind

So eyes will stay glazed until i’m six feet deep;

When i have soil for eyes

And worms for a brain.

I need fog lights;

To shine onto the road ahead

But it’s not time for a spring clean

When it’s winter and the mist is still thick.

So for now,

I live in this dream

Until the thought of winter can ride by

And it becomes spring once more,

Or until soil and worms join my side

Painting a picture of spring before my eyes.

Beige.

I see love in fingertips touching,

Making sure to remember every inch of your body.

I see it in eyes meeting after what seems like hours of laughter

While snow falls outside and the fire roars,

I see it in creating priorities,

Lifting above everything you thought imaginable.

 

But ultimately,

Fingertips that were once discovering new land

Have seen all there is to see,

They long to explore fresh grass

Rather than to sit in this bland desert filled with cold hearts.

Jokes that once ended in hours of laughter

Now fail to even crack a smile

And eyes stay glued to the floor.

And if they do meet they echo the roaring fire;

Rather than the snow as before.

And priorities have become a less frequent occurrence,

As you have become bland and ordinary.

 

Hold onto hands,

Lock your eyes,

Treasure time spent together.

 

Love is temporary;

And memories will last forever

But when your heart is fading into a pale beige

And your attempts to hold on are failing;

Know when to let go.

 

But don’t get pushed away;

Walk away with purpose,

With pride and love for what once was,

And no regrets of the past.

 

Keep eyes up

Mouth spread wide

And look onwards to see what the future hides.

 

I hope it’s a purple or a bright green;

Any shade far enough from this dullness and bland

So I can hide behind this smokescreen for a little while longer

Before i end up on this same shore of sand and sea painted beige.

sickly sweet.

Body

Mind

Intertwined

We left our hearts at the door

Leaving only the beat to enter

Not wanting anymore than what’s led out for us in the sheets

 

Fingers

Touching

Pulsing

As we grasp onto this night of heat

While the sickly sweet taste of naivety tarrs our lungs

Coating the vile taste of reality

 

Hearts held apart at arms length

But mouths are discovering new lands

And they’re liking the taste of the freshly cut grass.

 

 

shipwreck.

Time to sink into the black abyss of my mind,

I’m being dragged down by the weight of the anchor strapped to my feet,

What once started as the needle has become the hay stack,

Towering over everything i do,

Focussing on what i lack,

Pulling me down until i can’t remember what came before;

Itching me to i claw the inside of my brain.

 

I float on the surface of the ice cold cool blue,

My ears are muffled,

As if the water has become the captain to my ship,

Controlling what i can hear

And if i sink deeper; what i can feel.

But i relax because i know that i won’t float or sink forever,

I might end up on the shore disguised as the tide

And walk along the sand to find a jungle by my side so lively that even the birds cower.

One that is so alive that it towers over me and i try to do the same,

One that muffles my mind with a single breath.

A sea that was once blue is now just replaced by one of green.

But i will relax because i know i won’t be walking in this foreseen jungle until the end of time;

I worry that if the water that resides inside my ears,

That muffles the world so well,

Will refuse to set sail when the gales arrive

 

Or when i land in that dock i’ve been dreaming of since i’ve floated in both blue and green,

The same dock that i know i will feel safe in it’s embrace,

Holding me close,

Loving and looking after my helm for the duration of my stay.

Now i will start to worry;

I will worry because for the first time since i set sail i won’t be invariably looking out of my crow’s nest,

I will worry because i will be blind to the storms that so clearly brew above me,

But most of all i will worry because i will be happy with my stay in this dreamy dock of mine.

 

The point is,

Everything is temporary and it’s fucking drowning me.